Every fourth Punjabi woman in Canada is an abused woman by their men

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That’s why many Punjabi girls are now scared to marry in their own community

BRAMPTON: Davinder Kaur, 43, a mother of four children, was stabbed to death in a Brampton park on June 2 by her estranged husband, showing that  violence against women continues unabated in the Punjabi community. 

As a social  worker, I have been involved in the community for the last 33 years, and every year across Canada, Punjabi women are killed at the hands of the men they know.  

Punjabi culture is anti-women, but the community is denial. Female infanticide is still prevalent in our culture.

In our mysogynistic culture, men think they own their women. So they think: How can a woman go their wishes? How can she dare to divorce them? If she does, they says: I will fix you now.

Look at this man who killed Davinder Kaur. While stabbing her, he is making the video and telling her: “Hun call kar police nu, main tenu keha see ke tun naa kar.”

Our Punjabi communtiy here is full of such men whose thinking remains that of a rustic in Punjab. Because of these men, every fourth Punjabi woman here is an abused women. I know Punjabi girls who are scared to get married in our community. 

The saddest part is that even Punjabi boys born here carry this dark mentality.

From my experience, I have identified a few reasons for the kind of violence – known as intimate partner violence (IPV) – Davinder Kaur and so many other women have been subjected to:

1. Power and Control: One of the primary reasons behind IPV is the desire for  power and control over the victim. The perpetrator may feel threatened by the  victim’s independence, assertiveness, or attempts to leave the relationship. They  may resort to violence to maintain dominance and control over the victim. Power  and control primarily come from misogyny, which means that “certain men have  hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women. It is a form of sexism that is  used to keep women at a lower social status than men, thus maintaining the  social roles of patriarchy. Misogyny has been widely practiced for thousands of  years”.  

2. Jealousy and Possessiveness: Feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, and  insecurity can contribute to violent behavior. The perpetrator may believe that 

their partner is being unfaithful or is interested in someone else, leading to acts of  violence as a response to these perceived threats.  

3. Entitlement and Ownership: Some perpetrators view their partners as  possessions and believe they have the right to control their lives and make  decisions for them. When the victim challenges this perception or attempts to  assert autonomy, it can trigger violent reactions.  

4. Escalation of Conflict: In some cases, violence can arise as a result of  escalating conflicts within the relationship. Factors such as unresolved anger,  poor communication, or an inability to manage conflict effectively can lead to a  buildup of tension that culminates in violence.  

5. Substance Abuse: The use of drugs or alcohol can exacerbate violent  tendencies and impair judgement, leading to an increased likelihood of  aggressive behavior. While substance abuse does not excuse violence, it can  contribute to its occurrence in certain cases.  

6. Learned Behavior: Some individuals who perpetrate violence may have grown  up in environments where they witnessed or experienced abuse. They may have  learned that violence is an acceptable way to handle conflicts or assert control  within relationships. This learned behavior can contribute to a cycle of violence  that continues across generations.  

7. Societal Norms and Gender Expectations: Societal norms and expectations  surrounding gender roles can also play a role in IPV. Traditional gender  stereotypes that reinforce male dominance and female submissiveness can  create a power imbalance within relationships. When these expectations are  challenged or not met, it can lead to a violent response from the perpetrator.  

8. Mental Health Issues: In some cases, mental health problems, such as  personality disorders, anger management issues, or untreated mental illnesses,  can contribute to violent behavior within relationships. These conditions can  impair an individual’s ability to regulate emotions and make it more difficult for  them to resolve conflicts peacefully.  

9. Economic Factors: Financial stress, unemployment, or a lack of economic  resources can increase tension within a relationship and contribute to the risk of  violence. Financial dependence or control can also be used as a means of  exerting power and control over the victim.  

10. Social Isolation: Perpetrators may isolate their partners from friends, family, and  support networks, making it more challenging for victims to seek help or escape  the abusive relationship. This isolation can further entrap the victim and escalate  the risk of lethal violence. 

11. Previous Threats or Non-Fatal Violence: In some cases, prior incidents of  threats or non-fatal violence may have occurred within the relationship before it  escalated to lethal violence. These warning signs should be taken seriously, as  they indicate an increased risk to the victim’s safety.  

It’s important to emphasize that these factors do not apply universally to all cases of  IPV, and each situation is unique. IPV is a complex issue influenced by a range of  personal, societal, and cultural factors. 

Understanding and addressing these underlying  dynamics is crucial for the prevention and intervention of IPV. Also, it is crucial to  approach the issue of IPV from a multidimensional perspective, taking into account  individual, relational, societal, and cultural factors. Prevention efforts should focus on  challenging harmful gender norms, promoting healthy relationship dynamics, providing  support and resources for victims, and holding perpetrators accountable through legal  systems and intervention programs.  

My recommendation would be that women seek counselling when they are being  abused. This would require being brave and overcoming the stigma that ‘I have to  disclose my very personal situation to an outsider who is a professional’. But by going to  a counsellor, you can understand how dangerous your situation is and what you can do  to protect yourself and your children.  

Punjabi Community Health Services can be contacted at 905-677-0889 (between 9 a.m.  and 5 p.m. Monday–Friday); otherwise, please leave your phone number and a trained  counsellor will call you.  

You may also send us an email at [email protected]

(Baldev Mutta is the CEO of Punjabi Community Health Services in Brampton)

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